#245: Clash Of Cultures [Drunk Cowboy Junkies; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in @@NAME@@ are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country’s rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.
The Debate
1. “It’s disrespectful,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, serving traditional @@ANIMAL@@-shaped cookies on a tray. “These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I’ve never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don’t even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse… well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much.”
The Results: immigrants are required to salute the flag five times a day.
2. “I have a right to lead my life the way I want,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. “I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don’t wish to ‘integrate’ shouldn’t have to.”
The Results: racial and religious segregation has become rife as the various groups are loath to mingle.
Civil Rights +5
3. “Oh, there’s no need to be like that!” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. “@@NAME@@ should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don’t reject it! These folk aren’t hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It’s our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays – how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it.”
The Results: religious figures have been banned from public holidays to make them more multicultural.
Civil Rights -1
4. “We need to stop thinking of ‘them’ as a problem that needs to be fixed,” insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, an undergraduate in anthropology. “Integration in society is a two-way street, @@LEADER@@. We can’t shun people for not following @@FAITH@@ or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That’s just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in @@NAME@@.”
The Results: all citizens must pass a ‘multicultural sensitivity test’ to be deemed fit for society
Civil Rights +4
5. “That’s stupid,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, flatly. “I’m not going to ‘bond’ with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they’ll realise that yeah, they’re people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods – even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere.”
The Results: property values in suburbs have nosedived after the middle class were forced to live next door to ethnic minorities.
Civil Rights -2
Taxes +1
6. “Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, shouting into a megaphone. “How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We’ve all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn’t be allowed! I won’t abide it!”
The Results: the word ‘foreigner’ is considered a highly vulgar expletive.
Taxes +1
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#246: @@NAME@@ To Hold The Olympic Torch? [Yenen; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
Enthusiastic sports fans have been petitioning the government all week to apply for the much-coveted honour of hosting the next Regional Olympics. While most citizens are excited at the prospect of a @@REGION@@-wide competition in their own country, some have expressed reservations about the enormous expense hosting would incur.
The Debate
1. “WAHAAAAY!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, captain of @@CAPITAL@@’s premier division ballroom dancing team. “Finally, a chance to show the world exactly how great I am! Everybody’s always complaining that @@NAME@@ never does well in sports and you know why? It’s because we’re never in front of the home crowd, that’s why! We’re going to need a great big stadium! No! TWO stadiums! WHOOP! OL-YM-PICS! OL-YM-PICS!”
The Result: NATION successfully hosted the the Pacific Olympics.
Economy +11
Taxes +2
Obesity -6
Tourism +12
Youth Rebelliousness -2
2. “Oh great,” mutters @@RANDOMNAME@@, spokesperson for the Angry Taxpayer Society. “That’s all we need, more things to pour money into for no obvious reason. Surely it would be easier to just let another country host the Olympics and keep the cash? Then maybe it could go to something useful, like, I don’t know… my wallet?”
The Result: organised sports are frowned upon as frivolous
taxes -1
averageness -5
business subsidization -1
employment -2
influence +1
obesity +8
tourism -2
youth rebelliousness +1
3. “We’d be missing an amazing opportunity if we pass this up,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Sports. “But we’ve got to be in it to win! Simply building new stadia won’t be enough, we need to be funding new sports centres and hiring the best coaches for our entrants! You could put more money into public facilities too, like gyms or something. Then no one can accuse you of wasting everyone’s tax @@CURRENCY@@s, ha ha. Ha.”
The Result: the importance of winning Olympic gold medals is indoctrinated from an early age.
Economy +8
Taxes +2
4. “There’s nothing like a feat of strength to please the dull-witted masses, is there?” sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, flipping through ‘One Hundred Gambits for Advanced Go Players’. “It’s so boring. Why can’t more intellectual pursuits be given the spotlight, like chess or debating matches? Ban organised sports and make our dreams come true! I think you’ll find it comes at a far lower price than the populist Olympics ever will.”
The Result: chess hooliganism is on the rise after the banning of organised sports.
Economy -5
Taxes -1
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#247: Where There’s Smoke [Avartinate; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
@@NAME@@’s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.
The Debate
1. “See here, buddy,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. “Your country needs fire protection, but you don’t want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It’s not like we won’t put out the fires if they don’t have anything on them, we’ll just bill them and their children and their children’s children until we get all our money.”
The Results: reports of arson have doubled since the introduction of a privatised fire protection service.
Economy +7
Taxes -1
2. “Woah, woah, woah!” Says liberal activist, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “I don’t want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don’t have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you’re at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It’s only fair.”
The Results: the fire protection service is wholly government-funded.
Taxes +1
3. “Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. “And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in @@NAME@@ so be it! Damn the expenses, @@LEADER@@, lives are at stake!”
The Results: most citizens in NATION are abject pyrophobes after extremely graphic pamphlets were mailed nationwide by the government.
Taxes +1
4. “I think that sounds kinda… socialist,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@ with a disgusted grimace. “The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you’ll find they wise up quite quickly! We don’t need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.”
The Results: the government’s only official statement on the burning down of Capital City was that ‘they shouldn’t have been so careless’.
Economy +2
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#248: The Sky Is Falling [Freedomstaki; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
A particularly bad spate of bombings, hijackings and snake attacks aboard airline flights has crippled the air travel industry in @@NAME@@. The government has convened to discuss possible ways of improving airport security.
The Debate
1. “It’s a no-brainer,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, frisking you as you enter the meeting. “Put police officers on every flight, armed and ready to deal with those blasted sky pirates! It’s deterrence and protection wrapped up in one. If anyone so much as says the word ‘bomb’ they’d better watch out!”
The Result: frequent fliers are obliged to submit to invasive security procedures by government security.
Taxes +1
Law Enforcement +2
Safety +5.5
Safety From Crime +1
Toxicity -2
Weaponization -1
2. “You want to put people with GUNS on aeroplanes?!” asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, a security guard at @@RANDOMNAME@@ International Airport. “And at the taxpayers’ expense to boot? For the love of Violet, keep the police out of this! Airport security should remain in private hands! Think realistically for a moment: government priorities change all the time but companies are in it for profit. Bombings are BAD for business! We don’t LET them happen! So just… butt out will you? I’m not losing my job to a flatfoot!”
The Result: airport security is provided by private companies.
3. “We don’t need no copper protectin’ us! We can look after our own hides!” laughs @@RANDOMNAME@@, president of the @@CAPITAL@@ Rifle and Revolver Association. “Air flight passengers should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. If one of them terrorists thinks he’s gonna walk all over @@NAME@@ like he owns the place then he’s got another thing coming, ha!”
The Result: bombs are permitted on planes for the ‘security of the passengers’.
4. “I only wanted to tour @@REGION@@ for a few w-weeks,” wails @@RANDOMNAME@@, recovering from a particularly vigorous strip search. “I have a right not to be probed and prodded at the whim of some wand-waving monkey with a high school education! For a whole HOUR I might add! They treat us like cattle! In the name of DECENCY, I request, nay DEMAND an end to the disgrace that is airport security! I mean, really, it’s like they don’t trust me or something!”
The Result: the wreckages of bombed planes that litter NATION are highly popular tourist destinations.
Civil Rights +5
5. “Let’s just ban all planes!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, prodding you angrily in the chest. “Bombings and terrorist attacks aren’t the only problems these things cause! The aeroplane is one of the worst pollutants mankind has ever created! They’re loud, they’re ugly, and they burn fuel like there’s no tomorrow! There are more environment-friendly ways to travel than by plane even if they are slower! Much slower. But cleaner!”
The Result: aeroplanes have been converted into housing units after all air travel was outlawed.
Economy -4
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#251: The Trouble With Hobos [Responsible; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of @@NAME@@ have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.
The Debate
1. “To be honest, I’d just like a place to stay,” says a scruffy man who’s been living under your desk. “Somewhere I don’t have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they’ve fallen on hard times, well, that’d be just great.”
The Results: the recently unemployed can often be seen at the local homeless shelter.
2. “You can’t possibly think that’s a good permanent solution!” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, co-ordinator of the local soup kitchen. “What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Force our major businesses to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!”
The Results: citizens applying for their first jobs face fierce competition from the homeless.
Economy -9
Taxes +2
3. “And who do you suppose pays for all this?” snaps @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your advisors. “Your loyal taxpayers, that’s who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let’s face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves – frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They’re worthless scum and they gave up their ‘rights’ a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal.”
The Results: homeless people are frequently charged with trespassing on public property.
4. “As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a proud citizen. “They’re mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They’re vermin, plain and simple, and as such I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand.”
The Results: citizens who become homeless are immediately executed.
Civil Rights -1
Taxes -1
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#255: Welfare Programs Not Faring Well [Glen-Rhodes; ed:Glen-Rhodes]
The Issue
A recent lull in legislation has sparked the fires of some bored politicians. After reviewing the back-log of constituent complaints, they’ve come to your desk demanding welfare reform.
The Debate
1. “The process ought to be made easier,” says Inga Matthews, picking the grime out of her dirty fingernails. “It’s so difficult convincing welfare administrators that I am actually a poor, helpless vagrant on the brink of homelessness! When you finally do, you get tangled up in all the red tape, and you’re lucky to see a dime. The government should just trust my word and fork over the @@CURRENCY@@s I need to survive.”
The Result: suit-clad businessmen have been taking advantage of the relaxed welfare qualifications by shopping with food stamps.
2. “The current system is not very efficient, I’ll admit,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a local welfare administrator and esteemed bureaucrat. “But we can’t trust these bums to manage their welfare aid. How are we supposed to help them help themselves if they waste their benefits on things like trashy clothes and cheap alcohol? We need more authority over how the aid is spent, it’s the only way we can be assured that it is used responsibly.”
The Result: the welfare administration’s new sweeping authority has forced the poor and needy to shop from pre-approved grocery lists.
Civil Rights -1
Taxes +1
3. “Get the free-loaders off the government teat!” shouts conservative activist, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The free-market system says that those who work hard will succeed. If these so-called ‘needy people’ would roll their sleeves up, lift a finger, and earn an honest living, we wouldn’t be bankrupting our country helping them! The only sensible solution is to abolish all welfare programs, and let the natural, capitalist process take place.”
The Result: penurious citizens die from easily remedied ailments because they aren’t ‘taking enough initiative’.
Welfare -2
Wealth Gaps +17
4. “He has a point,” says popular political pundit @@RANDOMNAME@@. “There are a lot of people in the system, and some of them don’t really need to be there. The government should be finding these people jobs, so that our welfare system can survive and meet the needs of the truly impoverished. Of course, we’re going to have to spend a few @@CURRENCY@@s to achieve this goal. But, what’s a little tax hike if it means saving our dying welfare programs and the people who depend on them?”
The Result: the government is using tax revenues to provide jobs for the poor.
Economy -5
Taxes -3
5. “Capitalism is the very reason why we need welfare in the first place. Laissez-faire policies would only make the problem worse,” argues political activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “If the government would ensure that all employers pay their employees the amount they need to live – no more, no less – then the problem of providing for the poor would disappear.”
The Result: the government enforces a policy of ‘from each according to their ability, to each according to the available budget’.
Economy -14 (about -5 in better developed nations)
Taxes +4
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#258: What’s In A Name? [Zombitosis; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
A man by the name of &%*\@# Smith hit the headlines yesterday when he had his first name legally changed to ‘John’, citing the ridicule and stress he suffered because of his given name. Mr Smith publicly commented afterwards that there should be more restrictions on what parents can name their children.
The Debate
1. “People do so love to be different,” says Insert Name Here, with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what my folks were thinking when they named me. Probably about how ‘novel’ and ‘with it’ they were being, but I didn’t get a say in it did I? Growing up in my neighbourhood with the first name ‘Insert’ wasn’t fun at all I can tell you! The government should set up a registry of recognised names that are clean, sensible, and non-teasable. Kids deserve better.”
The Result: parents must choose their children’s names from a government-mandated master list.
Civil Rights -1
Rudeness +1
Ideological Radicality +2
2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I name my daughter,” says Follicle Rainbow Gooseknob, cradling [expletive deleted] in her arms. “Are you going to tell us what to think next? Where to go? Who to love? I don’t want some grey-faced bureaucrat deciding what name is appropriate for my child! What kind of country hates personal freedom so much you can’t even choose your own name?”
The Result: ANIMAL is one of the most popular forenames in NATION.
3. “Names? Names are so inefficient!” Says Five-Oh-Three McGoohan, counting beads. “Who can honestly tell one @@RANDOMNAME@@ from another? That name’s so popular now, I met three people at the mall with it just last week! Face it! Names are old-hat! Everyone ought to go by a government-allocated ID number instead, much more practical. Who could make fun of a child named Six-Eight-Four?”
The Result: all citizens are solely referenced by their allocated identity number.
Civil Rights -1 (or 0 in some nations)
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#259: A Taste Of Revenge [South Von; ed:Kandarin]
The Issue
A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which @@NAME@@ has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.
The Debate
1. “Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!” says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. “An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a… missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to… ‘manipulating’ the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of @@NAME@@’s glory.” He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths ‘bang bang’ noises.
The Results: the nation’s diplomatic missives are now delivered via sniper rifle.
Political Freedoms -5
2. “Sending assassins to avenge you isn’t enough!” argues hawkish talk-show host, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet – and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless.”
The Results: the nation’s new foreign policy of ‘very disproportionate retribution’ has its neighbors on edge.
Taxes +1
3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” says the muffled voice of @@RANDOMNAME@@, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. “By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you – we aren’t giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen.”
The Results: the government tries to improve relations with hostile countries by sending gift baskets.
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#260: Taxpayers On Strike! [Makinsanity; ed:Kandarin]
The Issue
The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in @@NAME@@’s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation’s citizens are not paying their taxes.
The Debate
1. “Damn right we’re not!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. “Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that’s just because it’s afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we’ll think about paying again.”
The Result: the government has cut taxes in the face of widespread tax evasion.
Taxes -9
2. “@@NAME@@ can’t survive when people don’t pay their taxes!” retorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head of @@NAME@@’s Revenue Bureau. “Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their @@CURRENCY@@s, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up.”
The Result: the police crack down on tax evaders without mercy.
Law Enforcement +1
3. “Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said.” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. “Even if they won’t pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren’t as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper.”
The Result: tax evaders are regularly visited by agents of the NATION Blood Tithe.
Civil Rights -3
Taxes -3
Nationstates Issues 